How to help someone who is grieving

The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said:

 مَنْ أَصْبَحَ مِنْكُمْ آمِنًا فِي سِرْبِهِ مُعَافًى فِي جَسَدِهِ عِنْدَهُ قُوتُ يَوْمِهِ فَكَأَنَّمَا حِيزَتْ لَهُ الدُّنْيَا

“Whoever among you wakes up in the morning secured in his dwelling, healthy in his body, and having his food for the day, then it is as if the world has been gathered for him.” (Jami` at-Tirmidhi 2346)

In addition to grieving yourself, you may find that you also need to be there for others in your life. Providing support to others can be tricky at times since everyone grieves differently.

When we see loved ones crying, in pain or suffering our initial inclination is to help remove whatever is distressing them. That is because we care about our loved ones and want what is best for them. However, with death and some other kinds of loss is that there is nothing to fix or do that can bring back what was lost.

Additionally, when people are in the midst of grief the last thing they want is for someone to minimize how they are feeling by being told that “everything will be ok” or that “what happened was for the best.” While these statements may be true, many grieving people report they cannot stand hearing cliché statements and that it causes them to feel resentment and want to further isolate themselves.

You can determine how to support others by asking them directly. Don’t make assumptions or try to impose yourself based on what you think they want.

One helpful tip in trying to be there for others is to be supportive instead of comforting. These terms sound the same, but they are different; comforting someone implies you are trying to rescue them from their pain, whereas supporting someone is helping by however they need help. When you support someone you are meeting them emotionally wherever they are, recognizing what they need and helping them meet those needs if possible.

During times of grief some people just want to isolate and be left alone. It is important that there decision be respected and they be given the time and space they need to find themselves and navigate their way forward. And then you get others who don’t want to be left alone. They see this as the family and friends shunning them in their time of need. So if they ask you to spend time with them, you have to find a way to do this.  But keep in mind that under no circumstances should you impose yourself as a guest and expect them to host you with food and drink. Keep in mind that this type of imposition is not from the Prophet’s ﷺ Sunnah.

You can also help by offering to buy groceries, doing household chores, or watching their children. Make sure not to insinuate that they have a messy home or need your help as this may make them feel self-conscious or guilty. The Prophet ﷺ said, when the news of the death of Jaʿfar ibn Abī Ṭālib came,

اصْنَعُوا لآلِ جَعْفَرٍ طَعَامًا فَقَدْ أَتَاهُمْ مَا يَشْغَلُهُمْ أَوْ أَمْرٌ يَشْغَلُهُمْ ‏

“Prepare food for the family of Jaʿfar, for there has come to them what has preoccupied them.” (Sunan Ibn Majah, Book of Regarding Funerals, Hadith 1610)

We should never forget to make Duʿāʾ for them. If they are sensitive about this (and some people are), you don’t need to remind them that you are making Duʿāʾ for them—you can do this in private.

It is important, however, when taking care of other people’s needs to not neglect ones own family or self. Finding a balance will help prevent from feeling burned out, fatigued, and depressed over time.