Do You Speak Your Spouse’s Love Language?

The 1995 book by marriage councilor, Dr Gary Chapman speaks of the five love languages – a unique approach to what he describes as “effectively loving another person.” In 25 years the concept has revolutionized the way we view relationships and helped to improve those of millions across the globe.

The idea is simple: different people with different personalities express love in different ways. Chapman called these ways of expressing and receiving love the “5 Love Languages.” They are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Each individual has at least one language that they prefer above the other and this is where you as a spouse, should pay attention.

Chapman says in book excerpt, “Between busy schedules and long days, expressing love can fall by the wayside. We forget to compliment, to give gifts “just because,” to linger in our embrace. The things that say “I love you” seem to either not get said or not get through. This is a book about saying it—and hearing it—clearly. No gimmicks. No psychoanalyzing. Just learning to express love in your spouse’s language.”

Words of Affirmation

Words are at the core of this language, encouraging, loving words that build your partner up. Verbal accolades don’t need to be complex; the shortest and simplest praises can be the most effective.

A simple “You’re beautiful” or “I love you” speaks volumes for this love language. On the flipside though, negative or insulting comments can hurt your partner and it could take them extended periods to forgive than others.

Acts of Service

This love language is expressed through doing things you know your spouse would appreciate. Cooking a meal, baking a cake, and picking up a prescription from the pharmacy are all acts of service. They require some thought, time, and effort.

To be considered an expression of love, these acts of service must be done in a whirlwind of positivity and willingness to make your spouse happy. When their done with resentment there is no love within the act.

Receiving Gifts

Ever heard of the saying’ “It’s the thought that counts?” that’s the fundamentals of this love language and is in no way superficial. A thoughtful gift makes your partner feel loved and appreciated. A simple gesture of buying them a chocolate or a pint of their favourite ice-cream just to make them feel loved. It does not fall within the same lines of Acts of service.

Quality Time

Does your spouse demand your undivided attention? This could mean their love language is needing and wanting quality time with you. Zero screen time and zero distractions. If this is your partner’s basic language, they don’t just want to be included in whatever it is you are doing, or simply be in your presence while you both do different things, they want to be at the core of your attention.

Of course, it doesn’t mean no downtime in front of the TV but it does require you to put effort into spending dedicated time with him or her.

A constant battle for your attention with the TV or Playstation or anything else for that matter will leave your spouse feeling hurt and lonely even though she or he is not alone.

Physical Touch

Pay attention to your spouse, if he or she seems happiest when they receive your physical touch, their love language is without a doubt a physical connection.

Nothing has more impact than the physical touch of their partner. These kind of people tend to feel more connected and safe in a relationship by holding hands, kissing, hugging and so forth.

If Physical Touch is your partner’s primary love language, they will feel unloved without physical contact. All of the words and gifts in the world won’t change that. That physical interaction is key in this relationship.

Men and women tend to speak different languages when it comes to communication, by using the 5 love languages you establish a medium of communication that both husband and wife can understand.

Which is your primary love language?