I began journaling at the beginning of Ramadan, mainly to remind me of my first Ramadan. Yesterday, I had included my plan for the rest of Ramadan. Today, it wasn’t easy as I swung from one emotion to another.
Waking up this morning, I realised that my Dad was no longer with us, that I would not see him again, that I would no longer get to call him when I needed advice or hang out with him as we used to on Sunday mornings.
Adding to my distress this morning was that I had begun my menses which meant I could not fast or pray the salah. My emotions were all over the place, and I ended up in my Mum’s warm embrace, sobbing.
As we chatted, I confided that I felt guilty about not asking Dad to forgive me for disappointing him. That, I had always felt that Dad would be with me forever, and now he was gone, and I had not had a chance to say goodbye or apologise to me.
“Sam, maybe you have forgotten, but it was Dad who was most accepting of your acceptance of Islam.” “He wasn’t at all upset or disappointed in your choice. He was proud of you that you had made a drastic but positive change in your life.” She smiled at me gently, saying, “And I know this because he kept trying to convince me that you had made the best choice for you.”
“There is no need for you to feel guilty at all. Dad loved you, and he was happy to see you grow and change for the best.”
Her words, comforting as they were, did not rid me of my feelings of guilt. I moped around the house all day until I received a call from Muallimah. She had called to sympathise with me, and as I usually did, I talked about how I was feeling.
“Sam, I don’t have all the answers, but Allah is Al-Barr. He is the source of Goodness. Musa A.S was in a strange place and was tired as he had walked a long distance. Finally, feeling defeated, he sat down to rest and asked Allah’s guidance. “Oh Lord, I am in desperate need of some good.” Allah gave him a way out.
“Sam, make this dua when you are feeling down and need to find some goodness. Don’t despair as Allah hears you.”
Regarding me not fasting, I could continue to make dhikr, do charitable deeds like feeding the poor or volunteering some time to help others, and even cooking for my family was an act of ibadaah. She did caution me, though, that I had to make up for the fast, as soon as possible, that I would miss because I was in Haidh.
Feeling a little at ease after our conversation, we continued with my daily lessons.
A valuable lesson I learnt from Hadith Qudsi: “Take one step towards Me (Allah), I will take 10 steps towards you. Walk towards me, and I will run towards you.”
The world may be crashing around me, but when I take a step closer to Allah, I can feel that it’s a step filled with His guidance and comfort, as I had said that every life lesson comes with khayr.