Grieving was hard for Mum; she walked about the house aimlessly, going through Dad’s belongings, and at times I’d hear her sobbing. She had seemed so strong during the first few days, and I was concerned that this would eventually be the outcome.
For me, the difficulty was trying to comfort her. I felt that anything I said was useless, and I tried hard to be there for her. However, she seemed to have crawled into a shell.
Making matters worse was Marks constant and nasty emails to me and the incessant phone calls to Mum. He left me feeling like I wanted to get away from everyone and start afresh where I knew no one. It was stressing Mum out, too, as she became agitated and upset each time he called.
As I sat, trying to write in my journal this morning, I became distracted by a video that showed the process of the tawaaf around the Ka’bah. The peace and tranquillity pulled at my soul. The Saudi government had halted pilgrimages with the pandemic, but things were looking up as Umrah, or the minor pilgrimage was being observed, and foreigners allowed to participate.
I silently prayed that Allah would allow me to visit the Holy Lands and fulfil my obligation to perform the Hajj in sha Allah.
Mum came into the room just then and watched the Umrah proceedings over my shoulder. She chuckled as she remembered how she had once told Dad that New York was the city that never slept. Dad had corrected her, saying that it was the city of Makkah that never slept as people worshipped day and night, daily.
A little amazed that my parents had discussed this, I asked Mum how they had learnt about the constant worshipping in Makkah.
“Sam, Dad and I studied different religions. We may not have agreed on them being central to our lives, but we were always interested.”
For reasons beyond my knowledge, I felt a constriction in my heart that seemed to make it feel a joy I hadn’t felt in a long time —a feeling that affirmed my choice to be Muslim and that absolute truth that Allah was in control.
They say Allah chooses who he wants to guide as he is Al-Hadee, the Giver of guidance, and I felt completely secure in the knowledge that He was in some way bringing change to my mother’s life.
My heart felt aglow – Allah had chosen the daughter of atheists, maybe He would work His miracles on my mother in sha Allah.